So here’s the thing. I can’t work out if I’m ok or not. Never have been able to. I wake up and think I can do this. And yet …
Just half an hour ago I spent a while in the company of the black dog, contemplating my continuing existence. A few tears later and I’m back on an even keel. Aye and there’s the rub. My brain is broken, tossing and turning on a cruel sea of emotions and biochemical processes. It is tiring and depressing – my depression stems from my mood swings, not the other way around.
Right now I’m recovering from a meltdown last weekend, brought on by too many stressors (some good, some bad) all converging. So here I am safely ensconced in bed, in my pjs but still managing to do a full day’s work. I can cry and yet function, hide and yet write, always in two minds.
But I will not be beaten. I always pull myself out of the mire and this time is no different. It’s a full year since my last major fall, a record for me, and I take strength from that – I can and will go forward. I learn each day. Now I just need to work out how to be properly happy.
Background check: I have chronic PTSD brought on from traumas earlier in my life, combined with a learning ‘difference’ that makes basic tasks harder than they should be. I’m forgetful, clumsy, and struggle with stimuli such as noise and light, meaning I’m frequently overwhelmed. As long as I keep everything on the straight and narrow – people, work, diet, exercise, sleep, then I function well. But if things get out of kilter then the world starts turning upside down.